why Fems expect Doms …
One of our neighbors wants 2 know why Fems expect Doms 2 pick up the tab every time you go on a date?
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I don’t think that a Dom should always pick up the tab,it should be equal on both sides,sometimes the dom pays,sometimes the fem pays. Unless the fem doesn’t have a job,then the dom should pay!
what, no job, what da. Ya gotta a job, or have a good excuse why you don’t. Like you are in school.
Well, perhaps the question your neighbor should be asking is why she seems to keep finding these broke-ass femmes to go out with! ; ) Seriously though, I pay as much as the person I am going out with. Personally, if I am dating someone, I don’t like to get caught up in the money, so I prefer not get into the “this is my share, this is your share”. I prefer for one of us to pick up the tab (voluntarily) and then the other would get the check next time. But it is definitely a give and take, unless someone says specifically, “I want to take YOU out.” My last comment is to the femmes that DON’T already do this (because MOST my femme sisters already got this together so your friend just isn’t looking in the right places)– if you could afford to eat out BEFORE the relationship, you can pick up a check IN the relationship. It’s a two way street and each person has to hold their own. Don’t get me wrong, I love to be pampered by my dom woman, BUT I am still an independent woman, able to support myself and pamper my girl right back. So my dom girl better be able to handle that.
Well said Nic!! A woman after my own heart—we can go out anytime u are ready! I think that in a relationship that it should be a give & take situation. Just because I reach for the bill, doesn’t mean my lady can’t or shouldn’t step in and say it’s on her this time. I’m big on chivalry but I really like it when my lady chooses 2 treat me out. Doing that shows that it isn’t a one-sided relationship and that you don’t just expect me 2 take care of u. It also puts me in a mindset 2 want 2 do even more 4 u. I know there are a lot of cases where one person makes more money than their partner so it can be difficult 2 pick up the tab— but hell, u can treat me 2 a sandwich from Potbelly (less than $5). It’s not the amount, it’s the gesture that makes the statement. By the way ladies, it’s also ok 2 send flowers 2 a Dom—just in case, i like lilies & orchids! LOL! And by the way, if 2 fems are dating, who picks up the check then? The Dom at the next table? Just wondering!!
Independent women, that is what I am talkin about. I don’t mind chivalry just don’t take it for granted.
ya know sha, i was wondering the same thing. So fems what does happen when both of you are dating and going out? Inquiring minds want to know.
I dated a dom and she always expected me to pick up the tab. Once it became crystal clear that she was never going to pay I started requesting seperate checks. So as I ate she drank water. LOL! (But I’m not sure if I’m fem so does my comment count?)
I think that it should always be a fifty fifty thing, I mean who cares who asked who out, the both of you are independent women. No one should have to front the bill all the time. But what does a femme do when she always offers to pay the bill but the dom won’t let her, ever! That’s what I am faced with in the doms that I date. I offer to pay for things and buy them things and they give me “I am the dom, I can’t have my woman doin this for me, I got it.” So where does that leave me then. And the flowers comment, I wish for once I could find a dom that would let me pamper her, flowers, candy, dinner, movies, and I pay for it all!
wow…….. not this a good one and really totally agree with Nic. It shouldn’t matter if u are fem or dom, like sha said as well in a relationship everyone should be on the same level. I personally dont’ expect no one to pay unless u are inviting me out then that is telling me its all on you. If we go out again I don’t mind paying because that’s how it should be. I dont’ even know why its bout if a dom and fem goes out, just like sha said what if its to fems going out then who will pick up the tab, it shouldn’t even be about that. Now, for the one that said the dom should pay if the fem not working now see that’s crazy. Like Jay said it bette be a reason why u are not working shoot u have Dom’s with no job and I already have one child and not taking care of another.
I do understand things happens so i’m not cold about it but soon u help that person and do all the treating, they tend to take advantage of the situation and will never get a job! lol!!!
These fems must be strippers or high school students!
Because these are the only females who expect a tip or need someone to take care of them. It’s “06” going into “07” and honestly I can’t remember the last time I’ve heard of a woman lesbian or otherwise that expected to be treated. I am a woman, a feminine woman, a woman who loves women and I nor any of my friends ever expect anything from a dom but for her to keep her word.
Sunni, you made her drink water. LOL, now that is hilarious. I need to know who takes care of the bill when two fems are dating. Sha and I want to know.
I think that some femmes have their hands out like a gold cup that says “fill me up” on it. What I think is that some girls who know they are sexy think their DOM girl should worship them and that means paying for things and treating them like a Queen….They do not respect or value what a relationship brings but instead value material things as the basis of their life…It is a “what can I get from who?” mentality. And I hate it. But, on the flipside, because I consider myself femme… Not all girls are like that. I like to spoil my lil tomgirl… So, I dont agree that we can say all femmes behave this way…There are always so many variables….in personalities and people so I do not like to put anyone in a box… All I have to say to you DOM girls droppin all your bills on your girl….Find someone who wants to contribute evenly and fairly and maybe you will find a lasting relationship. I really think the question asked gets a lil deeper when you ask how many of these “dating” relationships turn into successful, long term lesbian relationships? We all should think about what it is we want in a person and in a relationship and SEEK that…Outside beauty dies quickly when the person on the inside is ugly…
Lee Lee thank you for that. I agree with you 100%, this is why I am single now. I loved the s&%t out of my ex, but she felt that it was my responsibility to handle everything, not just out to dinner but at home also. I paid household expenses, going out to events, travelling, you name it I paid for it. Finally, I woke up, and threw her ungrateful, unappreciative, nasty attitude ASS out. I PAID THE COST TO BE THE BOSS - SEE YA (ladies please don’t misunderstand that statement - you had to be there.) I am a giving, sensual DOM, but enough is a enough - HOLLA.
OUTSIDE BEAUTY DID DIE QUICKLY BECAUSE ON THE INSIDE SHE WAS FOUL. WHOODIE WHO!
I know i already respond but see when people put things out there I just can help it.
As for sensual nydom, I personal don’t hate on what was said cause i truly understand it. I also agree with Lee Lee cause just because u are nice looking on the outsides doesn’t mean you look good on the inside. I messed with someone like that she was nice looking on the outside and she knew it as well, but the inside was UGLY AS HELL!!!!!!!!! so now that i dont’ mess with her anymore and other people i see is like u use to mess with her? “she’s nice looking” I tell them yeah she might but don’t let the outside fool ya. its more than the looks i want someone who will treat me nice and show it at all times. see, i’m the type that i give u my all if u deserve it and at the beginning i will do that until u give a reason to stop. when that happens there’s no need for us to be with one another cause i’m too damn old to be playing games. 
I’m sure all anybody want from another person is respect and to take care of them like a person deserve unless like nydom said u didn’t appreciate it……. then yeah HOLLAAAA!!!!!! 
Also let me answer the question to Jay and Sha ok now if two femms are having dinner then whos picking up the tab hmmmmmm i guess who ever have some money or knowing some people the might go dutch lol!!!! it shouldn’t matter anyway with that like i said in the other response.
I wonder if it is competition to see who pays first for fems. LOL. Now that would be funny. Thanks KC
OK, to the question of who pays the bill when two femmes are out together….what, do you think that two femme women just lose their minds when they are together and flop around not knowing what to do with themselves unless there is a dom in the mix? Now I’ve already said I appreciate a good dom woman, but honey please! Femme women CAN handle themselves without you! That’s like a man asking what two women do together. Two femme women do what anyone other two women do. They negotiate paying the bill — only they take the money out of cuter purses! And maybe it’s easier because there is not the same expectation of who’s responsibility it is to pay. But the whole issue of femmes dating femmes or doms dating doms and what that means for the “role” playing…well that’s a whole other question for us to play with! I can definitely appreciate another fine femme sista, but there is only room for one diva in this relationship! ; )
Alright Nic, alright, we hear you. SensualNYdom is scared of you. HOLLA - WITH A SMILE.
I think this is one of many aspects of the lesbian lifestyle that mirrors heterosexual norms. The more masculine-identified woman is expected to exhibit the norm behaviors as the male in “traditional” hetero relationships and likewise, the fem, in that same mold, is to be courted; to be payed for. I think our adoption of the heter norm in our own lesbian relationships can be imprudent and short-sighted. I mean, we’ve seen the dysfunction that some hetero-normative behaviors have spawned: sexism, misogyny and chauvinism, to name a few. I’d hope that our lifestyle, being part of a very distinct and unique subculture, would benefit from us creating our own rituals, our own ways of being that are a reflection of our own ideals rather than someone else’s.
I think that a femme woman sometimes forgets that the “Dom” that she is dating is a woman, too. And all women like to be made to feel special every now and again. When my partner (a dom) and I began dating, we both took turns paying the bill. We ate out a lot then and I don’t think that it would have been fair on my part to expect her to pay for everything. I have to admit though, she paid the tab more times than I did.
On the other side, it may not be what the femme expects but what pressures the dom may put on herself. You have to be honest and up front with your expectations of the other person.
Yes, I am independent and if I were single, I could take care of myself but I love when my baby takes charge and makes sure that I am taken care of.
I think Doms really do forget sometimes that they are women. I am a very prissy fem but I know how to take of the person that I am with. When I get with most doms; they seem to be coming out of relationships with females that have used them and they are wounded, hurt, and broke because they have been taking for a ride. I believe that any relationship should be a give and take. I do want the car door open for me but I am not above leaning over and making sure that when my date walks around the car their door is open as well. I send the person I am dating flowers. I feel that every woman should feel like a women and know that they are special. And if I ask you to meet for dinner or a drink I will pull out my plastic and pay. If we go to a strip club I may even pay for you lap dance. I think its cute for a Dom to be turned out in that way. Relationships are tricky enough. That is why there shouldn’t be in guess work.Work together grow together. I am just looking to find someone who can do that. Not think I am up to something when I want to do more than leave the tip. I make my own money and I know how to spend it.
The attitudes and behaviors of the BLACK lesbian community are direct descendants of the alpha male ego. From saggy pants and Nike boots, to the “gotta have a trophy broad syndrome,” down to domestic violence, all of these stereotypes are perpetuated unconsciously by dykes. That sad realization made me ignore this question for a while, but since somebody else is awake, I had to get my two cents in…Nik is on point.
The attitudes and behaviors of the BLACK lesbian community are direct descendants of the alpha male ego. From saggy pants and Nike boots, to the “gotta have a trophy broad syndrome,” down to domestic violence, all of these stereotypes are perpetuated unconsciously by dykes. That sad realization made me ignore this question for a while, but since somebody else is awake, I had to get my two cents in…Nik is on point.
By the way, is this “neighbor” even gay?
Nik & Neledi, I’m in complete agreement with u on this issue as far as when it comes 2 how we tend to emulate the heterosexual norms. We have simply taken the “hetero-roles” and cut & pasted them n2 our community. I want 2 point out that I threw the question about the 2 femmes dating out there just 2 be facetious in order 2 show the double standard becuz I don’t see why it has 2 be any different becuz u have a dom and a femme instead of 2 femmes. And to answer Neledi’s question: yes this “neighbor” is gay. If u observe the gay/lesbian community, this “role-playing” issue seems to be most prevalent among black gays/lesbians. There is this constant need 2 label ourselves one way or another. Jay & I plan on addressing this in a podcast and column in December. So be prepared 2 school us Nik and Neledi. I’m sure u 2 will have a great deal 2 add 2 the dialogue.
Sha, I know your 2 femmes questions was facetious. I just couldn’t pass up the opportunity to be a little sassy. ; ) But the conversation went from sass to serious. But a lot of really interesting comments.
Nic, I luv it when u get all sassy…check out my new response 4 “what turns me on”. LOL!
I don’t think that doms should alawys pick up the tab,it should be a 50/50 thing expecially if it’s your 1st date.I feel as though you both should split the bill sometime.
I wish I could find those doms who pick up the bill because there are just so many broke lesbians out there. Lesbians in general, doms and femmes, too often do not have their shit together. The real question should be why are there so many lesbians who do not have a real job or just straight out UNEMPLOYED. The worst are those lesbians who jump from relationship to relationship using partners to take care of them and be their moms. Doms, femmes, get it together! Doms pay the bills today and femmes pay the 2nd time around - fair deal.
nik, u went deep, good point
I have got to make this addition.
Doms, you really need to start reflecting! I find that a lot of dom-lesbian’s attraction to a woman is physical and based on what the fem-girl is wearing. Your goal is to get the fattest, baddest female in the whole world and when you get the gold digging girl that you chased for her looks and fly outfit you get mad cause her attitude stinks. Maybe if doms look below the surface they would find a regal woman.
Ultimately you get exactly what you’re looking for….
I think whoever asks for the date should be the one to pay for it. Once the relationship begins the person that makes more money should take on more of the financial responsibility. It takes some longer to get their lives together than others. If you truly love your partner you will motivate them to be all they can instead of shooting them down for not paying for the damn movies all the time. In lesbian relationships we need to understand that the roles heteros play do not apply to us. Even if you grew up the most girly of girly girls, seeing your father as the breadwinner, you may end up being the breadwinner in your lesbian relationship because you’re just on a faster track. We need to do away with all these roles and labels and just love each other and stop bitchin about trivial things.
oh my goodness, ok i had to respond to a few that was put on here. Assata, u made a good point. I mean that’s really how it is. They dont’ give other people a chance cause they are looking for women with coke bottles and once they get them they are either money hungry or have bad attitudes. Nikky, you had a good point as well, women jumping for one female to another and not taking the time out for themselves. Rai, i really agree with the labeling cause it doesn’t matter how u act or what u put on u are still a female. yes, we should stick with one another and have your partners back but sometimes a person make it hard for u to do so.
Well, I don’t think that doms should always pick up the tab. I think that is should be equally divided between the both of them, maybe not all the time but the majority.
Well… as a femme who in the past would only date doms, I was always the one who paid. It just happened like that. I’ve never been with a dom that always paid or “took care of me.” I rather just do it myself so I never feel like i am in debt to anyone. I know it sounds crazy, but I guess it’s just a personal preference.
Now to answer the who pays when both are femme question, currently my girlfriend is femme. This is totally new to me and honestly we don’t have any issues with paying. It’s almost like we know who paid last so the other will pay. As we grew closer we could actually say hey Im broke your paying. lmao So it’s all good.
Cause they self.. a “femme” or a “dom”.. expecting to by into labels of the straight community has always been strange to me. The beauty of being gay is that we don’t have to labeled. If you are more of an assertative/aggressive woman.. you may want to be naturally pay for the date. It’s a simple rule and code of conduct to pay and show the more passive woman a good time. To expect it all the time .. just b/c you are a “femme” makes no sense at all.. cause you got on high heels you are suppose to drain my pockets.. lol.. *** well you know what they say.. you must be use to spending.. so I’m phuccen you tonight.. *** There is a price you pay anyway.. so be a classy and caring woman. Go “dutch” on your first couple of dates. Stop being greedy.. its so not cute.. and you “doms”.. don’t stand for it.. let them know from the top.. that you want them to go dutch if.. they roll out… it might be for the best cuz.. you might be a broke-ass dealing with them.. if they stick around.. they are a mature.. and willing to work with you in the long run and that is the “lady” you want in your life anyway.. not a “self” femme.. that thinks she is entitled just b/c she got on a skirt and wear MAC.. lol ** My Two Cents **.. Take care
I read most of these comments and it all sounds nice but you know half of you are lying.
first off
if you want to identify as the aggressive then you are taking on the
role of the dominant one.What does that mean?
I never saw my father go halvsee with my mother .
independant is fine but thats just it when you are referring to a relationship.
your not independant you are together.
Im soo tired of the “doms” in the begining acting like they are the man and pay for everything then later get mad after they put there show off foot forward.
knowing damn well you were just doing it in the begining stage and had the nerve to get mad later.
what are you perping for ?you want to waer the pants? then you will carry the wallet, otherwise put some pumps on and have some babys.
I dont mind taking my lady out. I dont mind taking her out of town.
But, every now and then can she take me out? I am not that hard to please. We both work, why not show me the same “enjoyment” of someone showing me a little attention and wineing and dining me.
If I take the time to “know you” “know what makes you happy or smile”, why cant I have the same? Just asking to be “treated fairly”.
carolyn
This topic is long over due. Feminine women do expect dominant women to pay. It’s all about common courtesy and having class. If you are dating someone and they are always paying the bill. It should not be a long drawn out conversation about who pays the next time that you decide to go out. If I am going on a date and the other person pays the bill, then why not leave the tip? I have an issue when you treat someone and take them to a nice restaurant and when it’s there turn to pay they take you to a bullshit place. I understand that the other party may make more and that is fine but don’t have champagne taste with hot dog money. Women always say I want a woman to possess this and that but the real question is, “What are you bringing to the table? Don’t expect anything from a person that you cannot produce. It is not a issue of treating a woman but not all the time. It should be 50/50 thing. Some feminine woman need to put their game face on and start treating dominant women.
I feel that we are all women and we should taking of each other. Fems, as I am a fem, also, you were getting your nails, feet, eyebrows, and hair done before you met that Dom. So, why not continue?? Let’s show there Doms that we are our own woman and we can take care of ourselves. Sometimes, let’s pay for their haircuts, cornrows, drinks, dinners, or whatever sometimes. They think that is sexy as hell! And let’s not be so stuck on ourselves. Let’s treat them sometimes before we treat ourselves!!
i totally agree with nik and personally i don’t subscribe to the fem and dom euro-labels as it’s time to get “out of the box”. no matter what box you fit in it’s all about what you are offering and seeking and vice versa in a relationship or the dating game scenario. i’m about the exchange and so my lady and i we don’t keep score as to who will treat and who treated the last time. life is way too short! we are 7 mos. in our relationship and this approach has made things simply blissful. lol!
I’m new to the site… and even though this is an old post I just wanted to clear something up because I see so much negativity towards femmes who expect chivalry…
2006, 2007 or 1957… doesn’t matter the year or time, I don’t expect it, I DEMAND it…maybe it’s because my Dad raised me and even though the lessons he gave me where pointed towards men (he didn’t know about me until a family member opened her big mouth) and what I should expect from a man, I take those lessons and apply them to doms/studs because if you are going to take on the role, be ready to walk the walk. I apply the logic that you have to do as good or better than my Daddy…yes, I’m spoiled but I give what I get.
To put it all out there, I don’t expect to be “kept” I expect to be treated well and that means opening doors, pulling out chairs and yes, paying the tab. Now I’m not saying that I won’t pick up the tab, because I have and I will but I also feel that I shouldn’t have to if I don’t want to because you’re taking me out and it shouldn’t be an issue if I don’t. I pay for own my own hair, nails and clothes…even when I’m in a relationship UNLESS something specific is requested that I DON’T like. For example, I once dated a woman that liked red nail polish and I HATE red polish so.. since she wanted it, she paid for it because I’m not paying for anything I’m not happy with.
Now if you’re my partner, wife, girlfriend, etc.,that’s a different story… I give of myself freely and completely in that case and its the main reason why I set my standards so high when I’m just dating, me picking up the tab while dating makes it easy to end up with a deadbeat.
I am not a golddigger, a stripper, a high school student or selfish. I make my own bread, more than enough to hold it down for me and the lucky one who gets me and I WILL treat my stud BUT I can’t stand for it to become a “subject” because the second you ask me “why can’t you…” that lets me know you’re keeping count and that’s not the kind of woman I want in my heart or to build a home with…I need to know that if I lose my job or get into any other kind of financial stress that she’ll be there and if she’s whining about paying for a few dinners… I could only imagine how unsupportive she’d be in a real crisis.
This is just MY opinion and only applies to me..
I know I am extra late but hell I just found this site. Alright ladies…I’ve read all the blurbs. Quite a few I agree with whole heartedly. However, I am what you consider versatile. Meaning, I try not to carry a role at all so when your out with me….most likely I will pick up the bill however if you want to do dutch thats fine to. I try not to surround my lifestyle around the hetero’s outlook hence why I chose to deal with women only. (if i want a man there’s some out there and if a fem is looking for a man, please find him) I do what I am comfortable with and also upfront about what I can’t…I think alot of the times women aren’t because they are worried or concerned about what someone will think (ie she broke, no job, low paying job etc). Having intergrity will allow for a dom or fem to put it out there that maybe they don’t have the extra money at that time to go out….that gives the other person an option. If ya’ll both broke…somebody better know how to cook. Lets keep it real ladies, it is what it is!!
The reason why that happens is because when you think of dominant you immediately think of men and so if the women is going to be the one to hold everything down in the relationship why shouldn’t want to uphold that same concept when corting a woman. Besides if you are really trying to get this lady spending a few dollars shouldn’t hurt.
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